jumblypeanut

Punching a wall can feel so good.

I've been out of myself, while growing and maybe beginning to be on the path of finding myself, i hope so at least. It's weird to think you can hate the things that you have been, actually not that weird. Its easy to hate yourself and a lot harder to forgive it.

I don't want to obsess over things that don't matter. Not obsess but overthink. even think them out. i know what i have to say. it seems that i'm over sensitive about hurting or wronging when i don't need to be and leave those feelings behind when i've had to. when they have been the most important. so important. things that i know i'll have hanging off of me for a lone long time. do actions ever fall away? should they? they don't need to fall away to be forgiven i guess. to be forgiven by myself and the ones i hurt. just cause its their does not mean it still hurts right?

I have so many things in my life that do really matter that I have been neglecting. where did I go and why did I go there? I'm posing this question out to the world but i think i do know, I guess I am just asking the question because i chose the wrong place to go but had a very real and logical reason.

I feel like I'm always in the inbetween, but I guess thats were i'll always be and should be... if i'm not it means i'm stagnant. unchanging. that thats no place to be either.

" Oh we dreamed a life. it was just like that it was just like that and just like that its done."

i think i'm being over dramatic with that quote, but it still stings me even though i;m not sure exactly how. i like it, just pure emotion. without overthinking. it so rarely happens.

i'm going to stop ranting and write my paper. red wine and procrastinating can make for a very scattered and potentially infinitely long post.

it's nice.

i miss

life's a sneaky bitch.

words don't work that well in person, so all other forms are dangerous.

i need space. some alone time. i am constantly with people, talking to people. i love a few of them. but i need a breather. especially before school starts.

shit is twisted.

i need to take better care of myself. seriously.

i want to understand why its so easy to get lost in things from my past that were not comforting at the time, but are now. Why is comething comforting to me just because its happened or something that i did or was. it just had to happen. that fact that anything that has occured or been can soothe. the thougt that something,anything related to me, started and then ran its course so that now i can look back in think: that happened, that was and now isn't. i find it ridiculously obvious as to it being comforting or very sad and frightening.



it worries me that its so hard to figure out which "mood" i am for journal posts. honestly lauren.

i feel like things are moving and i am getting things together. however, i think that i sort of left many things open or unfinished and now am trying to get my shit together from a sort of "clean slate" perspective, a "re-do". and i can't. life doesn't work like that. i wish it did, cause i don't feel like i did and i wouldn't have done things the way i did then. so why can't i just take my knowledge and growth from then and just go from now.

...reeeeeally?

time is weird. when its running out it feels like in those spy movies or action movies when doors are shutting really fast and sirens are going off and people have to dive through to make it. and when it feels like i have made it, its not because time ran out - it is normally because i stopped trying because i thought i wouldn't get there. right now i am feeling very fully how when the doors are closing it feels as if thats it, that is all that has to be done. once i make it through though, i see that time was never running out.

there is never time when its needed most. Its always the first thing to remind you of whats been wasted.

in a sick way i really love conference week. something about staying up all night and then all day and then the next night makes me feel some weird sort of awakeness and makes me aware of space. although, i keep getting really dizzy and hallucinating. my eyes hurt and i see weird colors and my head feels so fuzzy.

change is something that is traumatic or terribly freeing. lately the lack of it has been rather suffacating and sort of propeling.

something needs to happen, change improve work feel better be reworked sorted. soon.






no mood really fits: drained, depressed, crushed, frustrated, aggravated, sad, angered, confused, distressed, exhausted, unsatisfied, dissapointed, tipsy, dizzy, fat, full, hott, cold, unhappy. i know that right now this is not it. not up to its potential, but it feels so close.

i am wearing the same thing i was wearing yesterday.


i want it to be fall. skip summer. but then i wonder that if it were fall if i would want it to be winter? and skip fall too. just skip it all. i don't feel like dealing. i want to just party cause i don't feel like dealing with the rest. and i want to consume myself with all the rest and not deal with the partying.

(i'm choosing housing soon. at 6. i am number seven. its a good number. i know i want old dorms but i am pretty sure that when i get up there and see the map i will get indecisive and not take time cause i will feel like i am holding the line up and everyone will be frustrated with me anyway cause i am number seven and won't want to wait for me to choose. (yes, i know how crazy that sounds.)it would be awesome to have an amzing room but really, any single in tits or dl will be a dream. yay.)

last week i was sober all week (except the usual thursday,friday,saturday), but i didn't go to any of my classes or really do any work. i don't even remember what i did. Then so far this week has been the exact opposite. I know better than to believe that drugs and alcohol don't equal productiveness. although i guess i need to give myself some give and take room? that is to say that yeah drinking and doing drugs in general isn't the greatest thing and especialy on the weekdays but getting work done and going to all my classes and having a great 9 am confrence today with julie is a great thing. and can anyone really say to me that a sober unproductive, lazy, alone, useless sober better than a intoxicated,on time, focused, working, and interested person? come on really? i know how fucked up this sounds but it seems to make sense in a really messed up way.

i'm pumped to meet with my therapist tomorow and some ways because i know i have improved in certain ways since last week. i have also felt more confidant and independent which is nice, but where the hell is that coming from? oh well. i'll take it.

i miss things. i'm excited for tomorow. i'm so excited for Rapture. my dad is a prick. i need to go to the gym. pistachios are delicious. i love emily haines and small wee notebooks. and new pens. i like taking notes a lot and makes me want to have a a lot to write. i journal, but thats different. i want to write a lot about things that aren't me for once.

i don't want to do my monologues today but at the same time i really want to and i want to kill it.

i miss singing.

Things can never all work at once. The balance of like seems to be a very sure yet undependable give and take. If one aspect is excelling it seems that it must be at the compromise of another. And then I come to the point of decide ding which is better or more fulfilling. And I can’t. I can’t seem to bring myself to the point where I can say “Yes, that is what will work best. That is what is most right. Most fair. Most reasonable. Most fun. Most energizing. satisfying”. I can’t. All those things never seem to be able to all be in one room together. Lately I can’t seem to just be. Things that I would not second guess or analyze are being examined and obsessed over and spun so that it is impossible for me to grasp it. That’s not really it. But I guess its one step closer to explaining. Sometimes I feel that it I could just sufficiently express how and what I feel to people then a lot of my life’s problem would be solved. …I’m not being understood, I’m not being heard, blah blah blah whatever. Even though I think and feel that way most of the time it just seems like bullshit. Like that couldn’t possibly be the problem. I know and have to told a lot of things that could work, could help. And I know I could accomplish those things. But I feel like doing them would in fact change things and make me feel more together. Not like I am now. But would that be better, really? Is that what I really want? Who can tell me that? I want to do everything. Have everything at once. And I can’t I know I can’t but I am not accepting it. It’s even reflecting in my monologue work. I am trying to convey use and express everything that is going on so that instead of each one being perceived by the audience and taken in. what they get is this huge mush and mix of all those things so that they leave having gotten nothing. Walking away with nothing. Unchanged. Untouched. I get what I am writing but I don’t. my want to do everything, keep everything, loose everything, make everyone happy, piss everyone off is leaving me where I have always been. No change. No growth. I know I have “changed” a lot. I have grown a lot. Matured whatever. But I still feel like I am where I have always been. Yeah maybe I’m not in the closet. I’m not so shy. More myself. More confidant. I’m not so naïve. So new. But really? Aren’t I? that whole adder all mix up thing or whatever I dare to call it scared me. Shook me. Not so much the addictive abusive moody anxious part. But the fact that it brought right back to where I was 2, 3,6 years ago. To a place I thought was long gone, Not me. Not. me. This tired feeling? What is it. I can’t control it. I have this constant sweeping feeling of sinking and rising. Sinking in, heavy. Floating, rising, disconnecting. This physical up then down wavelike motion. Pulsating though my hands. My heavy head. Is it the drugs, fatigue, stress, withdrawal, hunger? Or is it just me breathing.

I’m sicking of not knowing. Wanting to know but not wanting an anwser. I wish I could remember better. Everything. Nothing seems to stick and create a path in my brain that I can go back to. Revisit when i am feeling right of mind.


it's nice out. i hope it gets better. sun would be nice.

also, i need to start going to class more.

so today i acted in various ways that later make me feel foolish and dumb. probably some of the worst feelings i can have.

but the other day i did stumble across the new maria taylor cd for half off.

REPLAY
There's some things she needs to varify
Could you bring forth an alibi
Cause she was always in between
the jury and the attorney
You give an ultimatum he will decline
And he was undecided most of the time
And he was always in between
his life and a movie scene

And the weight of our words
is what we don't understand
or the test in the part of every woman and every man

So with dignity and grace
Boy you'd have to erase
All the things in your mind
that replay and replay and replay and replay and replay
The things that made you cry
that you forgave, you let go by
or you will push the one that you love out of your life
out of your life

And there was always something she had to plan
She's always looking down in her left hand
And she was always in between
her life and her childhood dream
And there was always something he had to mend
You give a rule
You're giving something to bend
And he was always in between
his word and what his word means

And the weight of what's heard
is what we don't understand
or the test in the part of every woman and every man

So with loyalty embraced
Well you'd have to sustain
all the things in your mind
that will change and will change
They will change, they will change, they will change
The things that made you lie
You want to forget and let go by
or you will push the one that you love out of your life
out of your life

So with dignity and grace
Boy you'd have to erase
All the things in your mind
that replay and replay
They replay, they replay, they replay
The things that made you cry
That you forgave, you let go by
or you will push the one that you love out of your life
out of your life, out of your life

Sunny came home to her favorite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
She opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission


She says days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire


Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
It's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance


She says days go by I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire


Get the kids and bring a sweater
Dry is good and wind is better
Count the years, you always knew it
Strike a match, go on and do it


Days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire
Light the sky and hold on tight
The world is burning down
She's out there on her own and she's alright
Sunny came home
Sunny came home...

my mom sent me a packege of goodies to celebrate the chinesse new year.

i found it cute but semi frightening.

although the "oriental party snacks" i am eating right now are spicey and delicious.

i love this song.

i want to get high right now. i may. i am not sure. i have been so good here. i have only smoked like three times.


i feel i am eing so far from productive and it makes me feel guilty when i speak on the phone with ym mom and she is so thrilled that i love school and i am doing well.


i just want to know people, and learn from life, and spend moments with people, and learn about things things and experience thigns that make me feel more whole. and just learn how to play the acoustic version on britney spears oh baby on my guitar.and sunny came home and jewel.

everything i said is so corny i know. but so true.

i feel the most together that i have been in awhile in so may ways and then so helpless and torn apart in others. i wish i could get to a happy medium. i feel that this point is not too out of reach. i am not trying to be perfect but i feel that certain things that people can do naturally and feel and be emotional about without a thought are so hard for me.

i want to write a group email to my whole extended family that says. " i am gay.". i am not afraid of telling them at all. well that is probably a lie. but i am dying to tell them, but the opportunity never really has

(bug just came into my room. i love him.)


arisen. i mean really. there really is not going to be a good opportunity to "come out".
well it seems easy i guess. nini: so hosws bug, when am i going to get to meet him hmmm? me: i dont know nini i like the ladies.
nini:sooo, hows the boy situation at slc? any cute guys?
me: no, im gay.


i feel like i am writing some cheesy diary of a gay girl. so i will stop.


i have a stomach ache from these tasty oriental delights.